December magic.
As my title indicates, todays post is about December. Why? one of the very few reasons being I have hardly blogged this whole month, and this post is mostly to sum up everything going on in the last 30 days.
To start off, I think December is magical. Its the 12th month, meaning the end of the year. For some the thought of December is relief because its an end to a bad year, for others it may be sad because its an end to a happy year, for some its just insignificant, its just another 30 days to live through. But for the rest, the others left who don't fit the categories mentioned above, for others like me, December is magical.
Its like this weird feeling this whole month, which is kinda hard to explain, but I will try so I can justify the claim I've made just now.
So basically, for the first time in the last 15 years of my tiny existence, I felt like the year 2013 was long. Incredibly long. And usually we don't even realize how it passes by, at least I don't, it takes me like 9 months to get used to writing the new year in dates, and when I finally learn to get used to writing the new dates, the next year starts, huh frustrating, coming to the point, every year, in December, I feel like, "wow that was quick, didn't the new years like just happen? "
But this time its different, there has been so much change this year, so much transition, it just feels like January was sooo long ago.
2013 kicked off with my school life coming to an end, with all the preparation for boards- the most dreaded and not awaited examination in 12 years of schooling, followed by tension for results followed by the results which was pretty good. After a long shitty 2012, I got my first share of happiness by making my parents proud for a change with a good result. And then came the 4 month vacation which I had explained in http://valerieverdette.blogspot.in/2013/06/boredom-worst-almost-invincible-enemy.html , and after that the beginning of a new phase, college. Followed by the whole being lost, finding dreams to meeting new people, reconciliations and fall outs, and now finally after a long year of loads of drama, i'm finally back on track, well hopefully ;)
So yea this month was like the whole years crap magnified to 10 times, but I got through, and after sorting the things out that needed to be sorted quiet desperately , I finally have started believing that I'm gonna be alright. It'll take time, but i'll get there.
The last two weeks especially have been so eventful, with loads of planning for my best friends birthday, and the daily stuff, and my sister being here :) I was busy most of the time.
But this whole month I've done so much, I went for an international conference for a weekend with my best friend, her dad being the chairperson, we got the opportunity to put up a project which was appreciated, and most of the weekend was spent by this beautiful pond with ducks and a fountain, discussing every possible thing imaginable, or making doodle like thingies on the white board at 3am. And the next weekend we went to the same place, IIT Bombay for the largest college fest in Asia- Mood Indigo, where we had just too much fun, listening to rock bands, watching ppl in those plastic bubbles walking on water (trying) , hours of walking and trying to figure out the map of the campus, watching street dancing and finally a mini concert like performance by a french band on tour, even though no one understood anything they were singing, the crowd just loved them, their energy their vibe, their music, and the band equally loved the crowd. it was amazing. After that was almost two weeks of planning for my best friends 16th birthday, which is well today, and thankfully everything went just as it was supposed to. Its such a nice feeling when all your work is appreciated. I spent the last 24 hours with her, we went stargazing at 11pm in the night and it was just such a memorable experience, five friends on the terrace at night, a blanket (more like chataee ) and all of us somehow making space and just laying there, playing slow songs and watching the stars. And then today was another amzing day full of surprises and birthday celebrations.
Tomorrow i'm headed to an orphanage in the afternoon and I've never been to an orphanage before, so it felt like the right thing to do on the last day of the year. We celebrate with family and friends all the time, but what about these kids, they don't have anyone to share their joy with and so I am pretty excited to do this. And of course whats a new years without a delicious dinner with family?
I've spent this whole month surrounded by friends and now feels like the right time to just stay home, be with my family.
That's another thing, my friends, this month I've seen so many people who mattered the most to me change, and I've realized who my real friends are, who I can count on and who are the ones who really don't care. I've finally learnt to stand up for myself, maybe it was all the anger inside that was accumulated and burst out on all the people who pissed me off, and I don't feel guilty for removing it on them, because they deserved it. Sometimes its not the bad people we gotta stand up to, sometimes we really need to stand up to the good people in our life who are hurting us, you cant just shut up and care about everyone else, you're the one who gets hurt in the end, another lesson I've learnt.
I've understood myself a little more each day, this year started off with discovering the good in me, and with the end I've discovered some bad things too, which is progress. And then there are those gray things that are good and bad or neither. For example, I let things go to easy, I let people off the hook easily, I say sorry even though its not my fault, I feel guilty for making other people feel bad for hurting me which sometimes is necessary, I keep doing things for ppl no matter how much they hurt me, I care a lot, I forgive a lot, and this whole while others feel happy and I feel like shit, but that's just who I am, This is me. I care,and I tried the whole switching off the caring bullshit too, but for ppl like me that wont work. I will always care and forgive,keep trying to make things work and let go no matter what. And even though that has its perks and disadvantages, I cant help it.
I finally have let go of all the anchors dragging me down, I've realized how much the crap in the past and the present has made me fall, and i'm done hurting, so I've decided to work for the future. The last year I always had an excuse to ignore my own problems and worries, but with December, I am finally done dealing with everyone else, and now its time, its time for me, my problems, my opinions, my life to be dealt with. Honestly that's what scares me, the new year approaching I really don't have any idea what will happen. Whether i'll be able to finally move on to me, or will something or someone be in the way like always.
But I'll be lying if I said I don't have a tiny bit of hope in me, I do. Yes i'm scared, but i'll fight it.
2013 was just such an unexpected year and it was full of so many surprises, some good, some bad, and some so beautiful it felt like a dream that didn't last very long. I've made new friends, I've lost some, I've met some ppl who are important parts of my life, and in just a span of one year I've seen how fast a relationship with someone can change.
Change, that's what describes 2013 the best. 2013 was change, change in me, change in the people I care about, change in my beliefs, change in goals, my dreams, change in my life.
And December summed up the whole year in 30 days. I finally feel free. Its a mixture of sadness that an incredible year like 2013 is ending, happiness that there is a new beginning waiting for me, fear for all that might happen the next year, freedom from all the things, from all the crap, from all the change, from ppl, a little pessimism thinking that the next year will be just magnified crap all over again, and optimism that maybe, maybe after everything I've been through this year, after everything bad I got which I certainly didn't deserve, there might be something really big waiting for me in 2014, to balance everything else that's bad right now. I'd like to believe that.
So yea December alone made me realize all of the above, and as I said, I feel something I cannot explain as its a mixture of the above things, but yea I do think this month was magical. Not necessarily implying happy, but magical in the sense, that feeling of content, that finally I've made it, another year gone, but i'm still standing. Standing strong. 2013, even though it was supposed to be unlucky was a pretty amazing year. A roller coaster ride, a storm followed by calm and many more storms, but the last 12 months were incredible. September, October and December of 2013, were the best months of my life. So for all of those who are reading this, if you know me, I wanna thank you for being a part of this year, for being a part of my life, because each of you have given me lessons that I will be always remember, irrespective of you being responsible for the good or bad in my life, I still thank you because it has helped me grow up a little more, and for those who I hurt I am sorry.
I hope all of you experienced the magic of December, if not, think about your year, and think about how the last month was, with all its ups and downs, think about the feeling you get when you recall all that's happened in the last year, i'm sure what you feel is inexplicable[Like Magic ;) ]. Have a great year ahead :)
To start off, I think December is magical. Its the 12th month, meaning the end of the year. For some the thought of December is relief because its an end to a bad year, for others it may be sad because its an end to a happy year, for some its just insignificant, its just another 30 days to live through. But for the rest, the others left who don't fit the categories mentioned above, for others like me, December is magical.
Its like this weird feeling this whole month, which is kinda hard to explain, but I will try so I can justify the claim I've made just now.
So basically, for the first time in the last 15 years of my tiny existence, I felt like the year 2013 was long. Incredibly long. And usually we don't even realize how it passes by, at least I don't, it takes me like 9 months to get used to writing the new year in dates, and when I finally learn to get used to writing the new dates, the next year starts, huh frustrating, coming to the point, every year, in December, I feel like, "wow that was quick, didn't the new years like just happen? "
But this time its different, there has been so much change this year, so much transition, it just feels like January was sooo long ago.
2013 kicked off with my school life coming to an end, with all the preparation for boards- the most dreaded and not awaited examination in 12 years of schooling, followed by tension for results followed by the results which was pretty good. After a long shitty 2012, I got my first share of happiness by making my parents proud for a change with a good result. And then came the 4 month vacation which I had explained in http://valerieverdette.blogspot.in/2013/06/boredom-worst-almost-invincible-enemy.html , and after that the beginning of a new phase, college. Followed by the whole being lost, finding dreams to meeting new people, reconciliations and fall outs, and now finally after a long year of loads of drama, i'm finally back on track, well hopefully ;)
So yea this month was like the whole years crap magnified to 10 times, but I got through, and after sorting the things out that needed to be sorted quiet desperately , I finally have started believing that I'm gonna be alright. It'll take time, but i'll get there.
The last two weeks especially have been so eventful, with loads of planning for my best friends birthday, and the daily stuff, and my sister being here :) I was busy most of the time.
But this whole month I've done so much, I went for an international conference for a weekend with my best friend, her dad being the chairperson, we got the opportunity to put up a project which was appreciated, and most of the weekend was spent by this beautiful pond with ducks and a fountain, discussing every possible thing imaginable, or making doodle like thingies on the white board at 3am. And the next weekend we went to the same place, IIT Bombay for the largest college fest in Asia- Mood Indigo, where we had just too much fun, listening to rock bands, watching ppl in those plastic bubbles walking on water (trying) , hours of walking and trying to figure out the map of the campus, watching street dancing and finally a mini concert like performance by a french band on tour, even though no one understood anything they were singing, the crowd just loved them, their energy their vibe, their music, and the band equally loved the crowd. it was amazing. After that was almost two weeks of planning for my best friends 16th birthday, which is well today, and thankfully everything went just as it was supposed to. Its such a nice feeling when all your work is appreciated. I spent the last 24 hours with her, we went stargazing at 11pm in the night and it was just such a memorable experience, five friends on the terrace at night, a blanket (more like chataee ) and all of us somehow making space and just laying there, playing slow songs and watching the stars. And then today was another amzing day full of surprises and birthday celebrations.
Tomorrow i'm headed to an orphanage in the afternoon and I've never been to an orphanage before, so it felt like the right thing to do on the last day of the year. We celebrate with family and friends all the time, but what about these kids, they don't have anyone to share their joy with and so I am pretty excited to do this. And of course whats a new years without a delicious dinner with family?
I've spent this whole month surrounded by friends and now feels like the right time to just stay home, be with my family.
That's another thing, my friends, this month I've seen so many people who mattered the most to me change, and I've realized who my real friends are, who I can count on and who are the ones who really don't care. I've finally learnt to stand up for myself, maybe it was all the anger inside that was accumulated and burst out on all the people who pissed me off, and I don't feel guilty for removing it on them, because they deserved it. Sometimes its not the bad people we gotta stand up to, sometimes we really need to stand up to the good people in our life who are hurting us, you cant just shut up and care about everyone else, you're the one who gets hurt in the end, another lesson I've learnt.
I've understood myself a little more each day, this year started off with discovering the good in me, and with the end I've discovered some bad things too, which is progress. And then there are those gray things that are good and bad or neither. For example, I let things go to easy, I let people off the hook easily, I say sorry even though its not my fault, I feel guilty for making other people feel bad for hurting me which sometimes is necessary, I keep doing things for ppl no matter how much they hurt me, I care a lot, I forgive a lot, and this whole while others feel happy and I feel like shit, but that's just who I am, This is me. I care,and I tried the whole switching off the caring bullshit too, but for ppl like me that wont work. I will always care and forgive,keep trying to make things work and let go no matter what. And even though that has its perks and disadvantages, I cant help it.
I finally have let go of all the anchors dragging me down, I've realized how much the crap in the past and the present has made me fall, and i'm done hurting, so I've decided to work for the future. The last year I always had an excuse to ignore my own problems and worries, but with December, I am finally done dealing with everyone else, and now its time, its time for me, my problems, my opinions, my life to be dealt with. Honestly that's what scares me, the new year approaching I really don't have any idea what will happen. Whether i'll be able to finally move on to me, or will something or someone be in the way like always.
But I'll be lying if I said I don't have a tiny bit of hope in me, I do. Yes i'm scared, but i'll fight it.
2013 was just such an unexpected year and it was full of so many surprises, some good, some bad, and some so beautiful it felt like a dream that didn't last very long. I've made new friends, I've lost some, I've met some ppl who are important parts of my life, and in just a span of one year I've seen how fast a relationship with someone can change.
Change, that's what describes 2013 the best. 2013 was change, change in me, change in the people I care about, change in my beliefs, change in goals, my dreams, change in my life.
And December summed up the whole year in 30 days. I finally feel free. Its a mixture of sadness that an incredible year like 2013 is ending, happiness that there is a new beginning waiting for me, fear for all that might happen the next year, freedom from all the things, from all the crap, from all the change, from ppl, a little pessimism thinking that the next year will be just magnified crap all over again, and optimism that maybe, maybe after everything I've been through this year, after everything bad I got which I certainly didn't deserve, there might be something really big waiting for me in 2014, to balance everything else that's bad right now. I'd like to believe that.
So yea December alone made me realize all of the above, and as I said, I feel something I cannot explain as its a mixture of the above things, but yea I do think this month was magical. Not necessarily implying happy, but magical in the sense, that feeling of content, that finally I've made it, another year gone, but i'm still standing. Standing strong. 2013, even though it was supposed to be unlucky was a pretty amazing year. A roller coaster ride, a storm followed by calm and many more storms, but the last 12 months were incredible. September, October and December of 2013, were the best months of my life. So for all of those who are reading this, if you know me, I wanna thank you for being a part of this year, for being a part of my life, because each of you have given me lessons that I will be always remember, irrespective of you being responsible for the good or bad in my life, I still thank you because it has helped me grow up a little more, and for those who I hurt I am sorry.
I hope all of you experienced the magic of December, if not, think about your year, and think about how the last month was, with all its ups and downs, think about the feeling you get when you recall all that's happened in the last year, i'm sure what you feel is inexplicable[Like Magic ;) ]. Have a great year ahead :)
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