greens for blues

its slow again
felt like dejavu, crying myself to sleep last night
it was so long ago when this was a regular occurrence.
last night I didn't have anyone I was sharing the room with
no one to hide my breakdown from
still my voice remained muffled, quiet, in hiding
its painful to cry like that, to feel like that
the cage feels so small
that I can smell the metal rods against my skin
even in my imagination.
the afternoon when I awoke today felt tiring
as if I'd run all night, with no destination in mind
its so difficult to get out of bed on days like these
when I'm emptying my body's bad energies through my tears.
I assume the next day will be bright again
that somehow all the toxins in my mind will have cleared up
and it'll be a cloudless day
its disappointing when you open your eyes
and it still feels heavy.
its a big deal to just eat, sit on your work table
after cleaning the room
and begin working.
its difficult.
I end up being so distracted all day
which adds to the anger and guilt inside my body
increasing all the feelings of shame and hating on myself for wasting a day
no number of positive reinforcements have yet made me believe truly
that feeling your feelings is not wasteful.
I tried drawing plants to feel better
I tried thinking of why I feel this way
I tried justifying it with PMS, because tha'ts what the app on my phone says-
predicted moods: blue, sad, depressed, cranky
Spot on, algorithms know me better than I do myself.
I tried to consider baking
I spent hours on my phone
I sat next to the window watching the sunset and sea.
But I still feel this way
The days about to end and I can only hope that tomorrow is less difficult to get through.