Why do I still remember you?

Why do I remember all the lovers who never quite loved me right

Why has grief untangled all the times I lost one?

Where have you all of you been hiding?

Deep in the dark corners of my subconscious?

Seems as though my mother died with the shield that protected my heart and my mind.

The memories are all bleeding out now.

The first love and how he ruined my self esteem,

But with it I remember the nights he said he dreamt of me, the mountain, the constellations and the dozing off.

The second one that stole some more of my firsts, the one that made me wait longer than I needed to

but with it I remember the countless calls and the limited walks, our hands intertwined.

The one between all of them, who made the simple realm of friendship so much more complicated than it ever needed to be, but with it I remember how safe he made me feel, how loved, how important. I yearn for that warmth now that I seemed to have faded in his mind.

And lastly the one who broke my heart, my mind and everything in between into a million pieces. his love was always just there, but never really there. It took all of me, and when he left I was left with the biggest hole in my being. 

But I remember your laugh and the way your eyes glistened, I hate it, I hate remembering them, I hate that I remember what turned in my stomach when I saw you smile on that Christmas night. It was a bad addiction wasn't it, him and I? 

Why are your memories coming back now? has the trauma opened up gates to every time one of you left me weaker? 

Its painful enough to long for someone I truly cherish and care for, I cant keep up with longing for thorns too.