Day 282: An update for you.

It's another festival day again mummy, 

manmani aunty told us, otherwise we'd obliviously pass another day.

To be honest this used to be one of my favs, even though I never related to its rituals, the food you made, the pampering and attention we recieved and the time we spent with you in all the feminine queen glory was the best.

It's the first time that the night before was empty without your instructions to sleep early.

It's the first time we won't be up before sunrise, doing everything step by step as you instructed.

I've done this annually 22 times now , still I never remembered the customs because we had you to guide us.

That taking for granted-ness applies to everything now.

I assumed you'd be alive forever, telling me and teaching me how to live, how to cope, how to survive. What a terrible joke life is.

Today we added new ropes to hang clothes, the previous ones crashed down after progressively loosening week by week. Coincidence?

We added the paintings I made in an attempt to gather my grief for you on the walls too.

We might take down some of the plants you grew eventually because they're finally gonna paint the building. It's a heartbreaking possibility.

The bbsr house is up for sale, for real mummy. it's happening, after all these years of being on the fence.

The future you built with papa, the dream home I made for the two of you, is officially gone. 

In about 2 months the year will be over, in 8 months we'll move again, for the first time without you.

And papa will retire.

Two new babies arrived in the family, 

Some more died,

Some got covid and recovered,

Two of your friends moved away, it's lonelier without them, atleast we got to hear stories about the other roles you played in people's lives through them, all the banter, all the laughs. They took good care of us. They missed you.

Some more friends, yours and mine vanished,

Some loyal ones that you rooted for got dogs, degrees and jobs.

I graduated, for real this time, more than half a year late, but I did. Between dying mourning your death, permanent insomnia, a pandemic, taking over your labours and roles, and full numbness plus hopelessness, I somehow managed to graduate. Even with all the "good news" and congratulations I recieved, I felt nothing. It's all hollow without you, I wish you were alive to witness it all, to be proud, happy, or just be.

Time is slipping away, seems like so are you.

I'm trying to fill up my life with too much externally, because internally there's too little left.

Aai and mummy, you've missed a lot.