When I wake up
I've lost the count of days that I've been on my own in the city. I never thought being on my own would mean a fun and adventurous life, I always knew it would be a hard one. But I never imagined it could be this lonely. 
Before college started, before I was away from home, I enjoyed loneliness. It was more of a solitude that I liked to cocoon myself in. But the kind of loneliness I feel now is like a weight. It's like a shadow that never leaves my side, but often fades away in the other happenings of the world.
It's not that I'm alone. I'm living with the best people I could ever ask for. They're more family to me than any of my blood relatives could ever be.They have been so kind to me, so patient. But even when I'm surrounded by people there's a constant nagging sound in my head, that rings in a small hollowness. I can't help but miss my own family.
I can spend my whole day laughing and joking. Pretending that these thoughts don't even exist, hiding every whiff in a haze of smoky dust. I've realized how my progressive hatred towards this city I once loved has started since the day I chose to be on my own here. After all, a place only becomes home when you associate this space as a personal experience with other people who matter. And the people who matter are either miles away or slowly vanishing from my life.
Local trains made me alive at one point, now they make me sleepy. Not the drowsiness you feel when you're sleep deprived or physically exhausted. It's the kind of drowsiness that sets in because of being tired, of blocking everything in.
I no longer enjoy phone calls. The worst part about this is that people who have no other way to connect to me feel ignored. But the truth is I can't handle phone calls from people who are away. I can't help but be overwhelmed at the sound of their voice, to an extent that a wave of sadness pulls me in and I feel like crying. But I can't cry on a phone call, that would just leave the person upset and worried about me.
I know what you'll say, "you seem like you're stuck in a bad place that you can get out of. It's like you're choosing to be this way when you can find happiness in small moments. Because that is what life is about yeah?"
I'm very much aware of how to enjoy the present. I value the small moments of bliss more than anyone, because those are the only mediums of happiness. That's exactly why I'll be starting a series called 'Paradaisical Moments'. So that I can make a clear record of memories that I need to keep in their vivid frames.
But you see, I already know what you'll tell me. That's what they all tell us. But if it was so easy to get out of a dark spin circle, don't you think the world would be a happier place?
"When I wake up I’m afraid, somebody else might take my place
When I wake up I’m afraid, somebody else might end up being me"
Enough negative thoughts for one blog post. I'll compensate when I start the next series, an almost promise.
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