Letters to Mummy // 34 days

34 days have already gone since you left
I still say left here, as if you'll be back
Its hitting harder now,
haven't seen you move around the house,
keeping busy in so long
I enter the house every evening hoping to see you on the sofa
where I last saw you
playing a different reality
in which I find you while you are struggling
and I save you
and in a week you recover
just as you had 6 years ago
and then life goes on.

I keep seeing your pictures on my phone
we have the same smile.
You would always say to me
that I show my teeth too much when I smile
The jokes on you
we have the same smile.
The videos are the one place where you still look alive
you look happy, healthy, normal
today when I saw the videos after a week,
your voice sounded a little different
Am I forgetting already?
Your clothes are still in the bucket
lying in the bathroom.
None of us can put them in the washing machine.

Last week I organised your bangles
Remember those pastel green ones you wore all the time?
made of plastic, because the glass ones would keep breaking
and hurt your wrist.
Your hair is still entangled in the combs

Was it scary?
Being alone? Was it fast? Was it slow?
Did it hurt a lot?
I'm sorry, that we weren't even around to ask you for a glass of water

I wonder if you saw Aujha,
Did he appear just when you were leaving?
were you anxious? Did he comfort you?
allure you to joining him?

Was aunty there too? Did you miss hanging out with her?
Are you angry at us? because you had to leave like that, alone?
Are you disappointed and repainting your death where ever you are?
just as we are.

There is so much love and affection inside my chest with no place to go.
The world has a gaping hole that's sucking all the noise away
It makes everyday so quiet and empty.
Hope you have internet in that realm, if it exists
Hope you can read my blog from there.

All I want is to see you again mumma.
If one could die so easily,
why do we even live and what for?

***