People in my head 14

 There's something quite ethereal and grounding about seeing a childhood friend (like you), after over a decade. 

Why do you think that is?

I guess it's a reminder of what it felt like to have solid ground under your feet.

Hmm, how so?

Well when we were younger, we spent our days in predictability and a blanket of protection. Family that is supposed to take care of you. School or college to go to everyday....with some concrete goals set for the next year. All those primary sources of attachment and care, the parents, the neighbours, the school friends - they seemed within reach, always holding you steady. Everyday was unbearably the same. Remember that smell in the canteen? I swear I thought I would never shake it off my clothes. 

And now? You don't feel like your feet are on the ground?

Do you? 

Well..probably not. It's weird, right now, it feels like we're two kids in adult bodies taking a stroll in a stranger's city. You feel familiar, but everything else has changed - unbearably.

We were lucky too you know, we grew up in such a steady environment. Most people don't and yet - the last decade - seems to have been a shit storm for us. I can't remember the last time I felt Sthir. (स्थिर)

Sthir? (स्थिर ?)

Yeah. When I think of that word - it's so hard to translate in English. Even harder to embody I guess. A sort of peace, balance, safety...steadiness. If I could describe childhood like a feeling - that would be one of my top picks. How was growing up for you then? 

I guess you feel a bit lost at sea when you grow up. Once you leave your family, your city, your predictable future behind - it's like you're going somewhere with no address. And then there's this constant sense of guilt dragging you down, like a huge stone tied to your ankle pulling you deeper ever so slightly. And no one can see it, under the shoreline. They just see the glitter of sunlight on the surface - the success, the progress. But that's not real you know?

Yeah, I feel that way too. Especially now - people like us - who see loss so closely, and so early, parents, siblings, friends and even the ones that were supposed to be the love of our lives.... Most days I'm A-Sthir or whatever the opposite would be. 

What about right now? 

hmmmm. 

May I hug you while you think of the answer?

You may.

Right now I feel like I am anchored again. If yesterday felt like standing on sand that's slipping away under my feet, right now feels like finding an anchor on the shore. A momentary stillness, while we're being pulled down in different directions. 

Another minute then?

Why is there a timer on this?

I guess there's no reason?

Then just stand here with me - sthir.