That blue tinted window.

Statutory warning: This post might be vague, crazy even, excuse me this time because my head is a little spaced out after three days in a hospital.

I'm at the hospital waiting for the doctor to come out and give some news about his check up. The check up is obviously not on me. 

So this isn't my first time in this particular hospital, I was admitted here 5 years ago for a case of vivas malaria. But I was a kid *the oldest kid as pointed out by the doc*. So I was in the pediatric section. 

Coincidently the ICU is also on the same floor as the pediatric section. So naturally I had my memories refreshed. The thing is when I had been discharged of the hospital after a week five years ago, I really felt a bit, how do I put it, vampirish. My room was great on all, but I had no windows. So the only light I was exposed to was the artificial kind in the hospital, the only kind of air I was used to was the one coming from the air conditioner. Cold and hostile, yet comforting at times. So when I stepped out after a week, the sunlight hurt and the wind did too. I literally had to squint to see, let's nit forget my spectacles. Naturally after I got out I told all my friends the story of how I survived in the terrible hospital with the terrible 7am mean nurse who never bothered to wake me up before doing a blood test and the terribly painful injections into my veins  through those dripping pipes and etc etce. 

But honestly it was not terrible. Not in the terrible sense anyway, because no matter what, being in a hospital itself is never pleasant, it is bound to be terrible. I had tv,I had good enough food, I had visitors day. I had a mini vacation. And honestly when you're the patient, you don't realise much of anything that's happening, you'll be on a bed, mostly with a lot of medicine in your body, usually sleeping so if you're not in a almost-gonna-die condition, it isn't all that bad. Okay it is but it's worse for the people around you.

This I realised yesterday and it kind of struck when my sister said on the phone this evening -" now you realise how we felt when you were admitted" 

Yes I did. I very much did. Because the family is the one who sees all the action happening. Waiting for the doctors to say something positive, or any good results all together. And if you're with a patient in the ICU, that's just the worst, because 1. You have no fucking idea about what's going on 2. You don't get to see the patient unless it's visiting hours. 

So all you do is wait, just wait, and wait more and more. The last three days have been really hard, but I'm glad that things will be okay. Actually I knew they would be okay from the start, but you just can't help but worry, let's not forget the 1000 calls you get on three separate cellphones and the 1000 messages you get on them from family,extended family, family friends, your friends, old long gone family friends you haven't heard from in ages,etc etc, and I know they all care and are worried to but it really doesn't help when you have so much in your head already, but it does help pass the time. 

I swear at one point I answered three different calls at the same time. You can applaud now.

The worst part is, when people (friends) get angry at you for not informing them. If one of your family members is admitted into the hospital for a very very serious condition at 2;30am in the night, would you call the entire world and tell them that or would you worry about which hospital to get them to?

Then they start pointing at your lack of concern for their friendship. Atleast 4 people are angry with me because I haven't talked to them. I mean dude, my brain is dying here. No offence but I really did not choose to ignore you, I'm in the freaking hospital. 

So basically that's what happened to me today, we got some not so positive results the morning, I finally got my looking-like-a-zombie father who hadn't slept for a second in three days to go home and get rest. Which meant I would be alone in the hospital, not that I would mind at all. I had music, I had a portable charger,I had my iPad in case I decided to update Wattpad,I had a book called 'let it snow' too. So my point is I wasn't gonna get bored. Plus there was like 3 hours to go for visiting hours to begin. 

I found a quiet corner by the window of the fairly big waiting area. The thing about this specific waiting area in the hospital is that it was exclusively for the relatives of people in the ICU. So all of the people sitting around me were waiting to meet people also in a very critical condition. 

Something about that fact, about that room,was peaceful, because even though I was alone, there were atleast 15 other people I didn't know shit about who shared the same plight as me. They have different stories, different worries but ultimately it was care for their dear loved ones. One sweet lady even came upto me after I smiled at her and asked me in Marathi *a language that I absolutely suck at! hail my guesswork* about who was admitted and what had happened. I managed to give one word answers after guessing what she meant,once again you can applaud now.

And then it happened. The sudden realisation that I had pissed quite a hellot of people due to reasons that were important to them but at that moment in the situation I was, they couldn't be important to me. That lead to a series of thoughts which were indeed negative and about every aspect of my life.  Its like sometimes when a little thing pisses you off exactly when for three days you've tried to be composed and supported your family, tried to stay strong, and this stupid little thing sets you off so bad that you really just want to howl and cry and just somehow, any how end your goddamn misery.

And then out of nowhere you see it, this prophetic light that saves you. No I'm not referring to gods incredible laser beam that somehow made me a whole new person, no I'm not talking about a UFO either.

I first noticed this light in the corridor outside the ICU, it has two sofas, with incredible soft cushions and faces a line of cupbourds where you can keep your shoes before entering.we were waiting for the doctor yesterday and I sat on this sofa with a window behind me. All I did was sit and stare at the floor hoping for good news. That's when I first saw it, the window had those alternate screens things on, the ones that when vertical let light in stripes, while when horizontal block the light? 

Anyway so the floor was white, and the light cast shadows through the open screen. And it slowly moved with the wind. I got so lost in it I forgot that the doctor had come out.

So when I was on the brim of self destruction, breaking point or whatever you want to call it, I looked outside the window, to avoid the gaze of my neighbours and family friends who were now waiting with me. And believe me it was the most beautiful scene I have ever seen through a window. 

This window too had the same alternate stripes screen on, so I could see the parts of the things outside, I could see a part of the sun, then a white strip blocking the rest, then I could see clouds, beautiful clouds, if the clouds were a women you could say she had the most magnificent body, the most mesmerising curves with an hourglass figure, then another strip blocking the view, and then coconut trees swaying slowly, peacefully with the wind, the clouds had shadows on them too, so you could see the outline of the curves clearly, there were birds too, flying around. The windows are sorta tinted in the hospital. The lightest shade of blue, so the sunlight too had a light, light blue tinge, which somehow made it look divine. It was just so peaceful. 

When you'd move your eyes from one corner to the other, you'd be interrupted by the white stripes blocking your view. But I think In that moment I realised that that's how life is, one second is happiness and the very next there will always be obstacles blocking your peace. But you will find it again. 

And somehow this view, a simple view as coconut trees, birds, clouds, divine sun and it's light  gave me hope. 

When my friend was shouting on the other end of the call when i was a hot mess shouting too,being stared   at by the entire hospital staff on the ground floor, it was almost time for visiting hours. Which meant I would see her. Right before rushing back in after cutting the call short, I turned and noticed what a beautiful day it had been. And then a thought saddened me deeply, that in the windowless white walled ICU, she didn't get to see this beautiful day. 

And that's was her white strip on a blue tinted window blocking her view, and soon she would get to see it too. I know it.

Stay safe you amazing people, more importantly stay healthy and happy.