Just another festival day.

Not just any festival day. Its Diwali!!! In my opinion the best festival celebrated in India. A festival I so needed. With probably the worst week in a long time, I could use some distraction. Something to pull my thoughts away from my own life and everything going on in it and think about me. After a long night something suddenly made me realise that I need to stop thinking that I can handle everything. I need to stop thinking that all this is just a phase and it'll go away. What I have to do is start working to make it better. I need to take a break even if I don't want to. Because sometimes you just have to admit that you need a break. Maybe you don't want it but you most certainly need it. So at 3am in the morning I decide that I've had enough. With a festival as vibrant and lively as diwali approaching I have enough time to give myself. And so since the morning I had chores set for myself.

At 9am I woke up and got ready to leave the house with mom to buy diyas. A very integral part of the diwali decorations. Every year I sort of had a tradition of painting these diyas. But this year I just forgot. It was something I did for myself. For my peace of mind. And I forgot about it. So it kind of became the task of the day. First mom insisted on visiting the temple. It was pretty close to my school and I remember as a kid when mom would come to pick me up we'd often pay a visit to this temple. So when I entered this temple a lot of old memories came back. Over time I stopped going, I'd just let mom do her praying while I waited outside the entrance. But today I just felt like giving mother the satisfaction that maybe her daughter still shares her faith.
All around me there where a lot people who had come to pray.temples are usually more crowded during festivals. People just suddenly have a lot more to ask for I guess. All I did was roam around behind mom trying to remember how I would be excited to visit this place. I tried to remember what it was to have faith in something, in someone unknown. I looked at the bells that I would try to reach jumping as high as I could because I was too short back then. I saw the majestic ganesh idol whose beauty would intrigue me. And the prasad that was actually just sugar but I loved it anyway. As I followed my mom I tried to remember how happy I'd be to sing the chants in my head as I prayed to these idols. I did remember all of it but I no longer felt it. What I don't remember is when I lost faith. There was a mouse idol coated with gold and decorated with jewellery and garlands. It was really beautiful. But the interesting part was that one was supposed to whisper into its ear,  whatever they wish. And it would happen. It'd be fulfilled. At least that's what they said and that's what I believed. I just stood there staring at my mom praying into its ear with so much devotion and trust. And to be honest a very tiny part of me was jealous, of everyone there. They had something that I no longer think I'll have. Faith.

After the temple we finally got to the shopping part. The streets were full of decorations. It was amazing. So many people so many colours. So much life. All for this one festival. We bought colours for the rangoli, diyas and garlands.
After about one hour I started with the painting work. It gave me some peace of mind but my thoughts still wandered the places I didn't want them to go. I couldn't help it. And right then one of the diyas broke in my hands. It was just a tiny piece of solidified mud, but it made me so sad for a moment. I'd almost finished painting it with so much patience and work but it broke. Like a lot of other things In life. Not everything we work for we get. But it does mean something. All the efforts we put in will someday bear fruit. So I forgot about it and moved on to another one.
Actually it was a good thing it broke. Because now I had an even number of diyas. Which means all colours would be balanced. Isn't that what we all strive for- balance. So in the end I was happy with the work I'd done. The diyas looked beautiful and that gave me some satisfaction. The kind of satisfaction I hadn't felt in a long time.
Another hour passed by and I was sick of watching TV. So I freshened up, cleaned all the mess made by the paints,  took my phone and earphones and left the house for a walk. It was like the old summer days. I went by the market and once more I was surrounded by lanterns, lights,colours,decorations,clothes,food everything and of course loads of people doing end moment shopping for diwali. I just plainly kept looking at the lights and walked ahead. Reached a street where I saw something that made me stop. An art gallery. I'd often pass by this gallery and dream of having one of my own someday. So i stood there for a long time trying to remember what it was to be inspired to have dreams, to have the peace of mind that you knew where you wanted your life to go. Once again i remember but I don't feel it anymore. That's what scares me.

I have a pretty good support system surrounding me everyday. My friends,my family, my art and my music.  I have a great life and I have inspiring people around me. But I know I'm not living it the way I'm supposed to, I'm not inspired I'm not passionate about anything I do anymore. That doesnt mean I'm sad.I'm not sad. In fact the last couple of months have made me happier than I've ever been. Im just lost. But I have hope that I'll work things out. That life will be back on track. That I'll fight it and take everything that life has to offer. Yes sometimes it gets hard and I think I'll get through but I just have to be patient. I just need time off for myself. And I know I'll find my way. Everything happens for a reason and something good will come out of all the hard things happening right now.
all of these thoughts have made me a little peaceful. All thanks to this festival called diwali. Its called the festival of lights. It has its own mythological reason for that. But I guess festival of lights has in a way shown me the light to find myself in the darkness. This year it was much more then just diyas and rangolis, sweets and lights. It was about discovering myself again. And I'm glad that we celebrate a festival like this.
Happy Diwali to everyone put there. :)