Bad dreams.

So I've managed to live through one day. 24 hours. The longest day I've had. At the moment I'm sitting at one of my favorite placed listening to I see fire by Ed Sheeran.
Its a garden in my colony, my area. I've spend most of my childhood here. A childhood when everything was normal. Nothing was hard. Just simple. Wake up go to school,  play the rest of the day and go back home. When we are kids  we wanna grow up but trust its no fun. Everyday it gets harder. I can smell the morning air. The grass has leftovers of early morning dew. Birds are trying to find food with their mates and companions. On a normal day this scene would have made me really happy. The reason I came here today was because I thought I might find momentary peace, sitting here under a huge tree on a bench, alone.
But again I was wrong. I guess you cant go back to being normal in one day. It  still feels like a horrible nightmare. A part of me thinks maybe any moment now I'll wake up and everything will be good. I wouldn't have lost anything but its not a dream.
You know those movies in which the lead actors fall in love and have a great time until something bad happens. And then they decide to be friends. When you watch those movies you know everything will be good and they'll be back soon. But its not like that. Not in real life. Not when your life is that movie.
I know I have go let go, I know I can't have what I want, we deserve to be happy but we aren't, and I think I won't be anymore. I really don't know how long it'll take to go back to normal. To find our way back. Its gonna be a long long journey. Full of pain and emptiness. But I have to. I don't want to though.I just want it to be a bad dream.
I have my friends to help me. The only reason u survived yesterday was because of the one friend I've mentioned before. He's had his own shit going on. So we went for a walk in the evening. After I spend the whole afternoon sleeping so I don't cry. We walked on the streets just random places. To be honest I thought I'll end up discussing the pain again but we did exactly the opposite. We both just let go for a while talked about all the old times. I wouldn't say when I was walking with him I forgot about all the shit going on. I remembered every moment. But just being there with him knowing we both were very much aware of each others problems, but we chose to just be there for each other  made all the difference. Like me even he blogged about our walk. And the only thing that made me smile, genuinely smile all day, in the whole week actually was reading his blog post last night. So thanks AQ for being there.
This time I won't end the post saying I know I'll be fine. Because I really don't know if I'll be fine. I know I have to be okay with all this I just don't know how to be okay again.