Hope is dying.

Imagine this- one day you're in a place surrounded by new ppl a new atmosphere. You're getting a fresh start. But you don't know where this new beginning will take you because everything is so new and unknown. And then right when you start feeling out of place something catches your eye. Something that seems so amazing it stands out in the crowd even though it is a part of it. Everything else blurs out. And there it is in clarity. What you've always wanted. You don't know it too well but you want it. Because its so perfect. But you're not confident enough to approach it. So for a long time you don't consider having it. You just observe and be happy with that. But you lose it. Even though you never had it. You struggle to get over it everyday and someday you do. You find someone else. Sadly you lose that too. For a year you go through serious transitions. From blaming yourself to moving on to discovering yourself and eventually learn to love yourself. Something you could never do before. And in all this you forgot and moved on from that first perfect thing you found that day. You've lost touch with it. And then when you least expect it. When you don't think you want it anymore. When you're happy alone. Life gives you second chance to do it right. Something that separated you from it unites you almost years later. This time its different. You're a different person now. You have a different approach to things now. And so everything changes. Because this time you can have it. After years of thinking you could never possibly have something so perfect. Something that made you believe and have faith again. It became your loophole. And you finally have it. It takes a long time to sink in because never even in your dreams did you think you would have a chance with it. You thought you never deserved something so good . You finally realise what happiness is. You have a new definition for happiness which makes you understand what you've been missing out on all these years. You're at peace. You believe you'll handle everything together. And its perfect for a while.
And then it starts, the bad part. You begin to understand the depths of this relationship, it scares, you the intensity. But you fight yourself everyday and win because its worth fighting for. You keep having faith. You keep trying. You both do. But it still doesn't work. You try hard to convince that you'll get past it. But its not convincing enough. Its harder for it than its for you. And it keeps trying too but the limits have been crossed. Its not working anymore. You start thinking maybe its not a bad phase. Maybe the happiness was a phase. Maybe you never deserved this kind of happiness. Cuz nothing good ever lasts for you. Every time you open yourself up after fighting yourself to trust and believe it blows up in your face.
And then its over. Just like that. Its done.
That's when it actually starts to hurt. You realise this wasn't you imagining. All of it actually happened. Reality hits you so hard you can't even get up. It hurts. So bad. All you can do is cry. Because your hope is dying. The one thing that drove you forward everyday its dying. Because the one who gave you the key to hope to happiness is gone. And now you have nothing to hold on to. At least when you're in a situation you have good or a bad feeling that you can hold on to. If its good you encourage the feeling and if its a bad feeling you try to win over it.
But what do you do when you have no feeling. You feel empty inside. Your body seems to work but its still feels numb. There's some kind of void inside. Its gone. You've lost it. And the only connection you can have with it now is a faint version of your relationship. Which hurts even more. To see and to talk to them a constant reminder of your failure. But you still agree after a long night of pain and misery. You agree..you change your mind. Cuz you think its already hurting so much.. might as well hurt more. You don't wanna eat. The food has no taste. Your eyes are burning. They keep fogging up with tears but you try to control. Because there are ppl around who'll ask questions whose answers you haven't accepted yourself yet. And controlling it hurts more. Now you wanna scream just scream so the emptiness inside of you is filled with echoes of pain. But you can't scream. You keep going through memories and you want them back.
But that's the thing. You can't have it. You can't have the memories, the happiness, the racing heartbeat, because its all gone. And it was no ones fault so you have no one to blame. No one to be angry at. So you blame yourself. You can't even be in your own flesh right now. Everything hurts. You just keep asking why. Why was it taken away when you need it the most. The questions just float in the air unheard. Unanswered. While you try to hold onto the tiny part of you that is still trying. The little hope. You keep it safe. Because hope is dying and all you can do is stay close to it. Till the last moment.