Frozen but melting
I'm getting flashes of memories
After you left,
The life I had before 24th of January
Seems frozen like photographs
just as you are in them
While the present feels like an endless loop
That I have to surf through
With no control or idea of guiding the surfboard.
Its cruel, to see time pass by
Its unfair to wake up each day and have the earth rotate once again
Why does death have to be so bleak
Why can't I just call you?
How can you be absolutely out of reach?
I feel robotic
Doing my everyday life
while everything inside my skin
is at a loss.
I can physically feel vacant
I know which part of my body it is that the vacuum is the greatest
And its not an organ.
Its just space.
I never knew space existed even inside our tightly packed fragile bodies
This empty space
Feels heavy
No matter what I'm doing
whether I'm smiling
Or crying
or just floating
It seems to be following me like a shadow
holding my hand.
There is a part of my brain that is in survival mode
that puts me to sleep each night
That reminds me to do the laundry
clean up the house
light the diya in front of your portrait
But there's a bigger chunk of my brain
That has just gone dark
like its in hibernation
While the vessel that is my body
mechanically
and bitterly
gets through each passing day
Is this a curse?
I have been an atheist all my life,
yet death has made me ask the most absurd questions.
I wonder if you're smiling somewhere knowing that.
Just come back.
Please?
End this horrible prank that the universe is playing on us.
It feels like somebody squeezed out
all the hope, luck and happiness from our entire family
as if life is as simple as a lemon.
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