Equations of Adulthood.

This line that we walk on
that I walk on
the thin, fragile, silky line
with its threads slightly disintegrating,
I hate it.
There was a time
when it was not complicated
there was a time
when You and I could just sleep in the field
singing chasing cars
and not feel this way
some days I forget that such a time ever existed
some days I look at you
and forget that the only kind of feelings
I should have for you
are of purity and affection
of gratitude and unmarred perfection
its so easy to confuse emotional support with love.
Some days I get a little caught up in the way you talk
or the stories you tell
I smile a little more than I should, even if I've heard them all the same.
Some days I catch a glimpse of you when you're not looking
Somedays I doubt if that was just affection or lust?
what would it be like, if we were the only ones walking this street
what would it be like if you were thinking this too?
Oh this line, that we run on,
It used to smoother to walk on, thicker, stronger, with lesser threads coming off
It was easier to brush you off when I didn't understand you
But its been years now, i understand you too much not love you on some
while know exactly why I shouldn't on the others
the thought of a You and I should repulse me as it did long ago
but this is what growing up does, it fucks up decision making
it was easier to decide what I felt for you
it was easier to categorize it
As trivial things such as the friendzone on some days
whilst an ever important friendship on the others
that I simply could not afford to crack.
When did meanings get old?
When did controlling myself from staring into your eyes get difficult?
Oh but its not everyday that I feel these odd feelings for you
its not everyday that I want to write a poem of unrequited love
some days its just blissful friendship
then what is it?
if not everyday
if not maddening obsessive love,
then what is this?
the in-between awkward but heartfelt exchanges of 'i miss you
i love you
what would i do without
i'll be there for you'
why do i remember them when i'm trying so hard to drown in love
with someone else,
who would want me in the same frequency as I can fathom
why do you keep haunting me
why has your friendship become,
the ultimate goal of ideal love
that I search for in the faces around us
yet stop at yours for an extra millisecond that only,
My skipping heartbeat can detect.
why do I get breathless when you look at someone else like that?
when its clear we should be on the other side of the line
the safe zone
but if it is, then why does my mind feel so foggy
when that dim light hits your face and the smoke
And for a second the alluring intoxication of both becomes one in the same
why do I forget the limits
the boundaries
but I don't cross the line, I only stumble upon it
that is what consumes me
would it be better to fall or to take a step back?
I love the theory of parallel universes for it
validates the existence of you and I, as more than just you and I
but I'm tired of throwing all my dreams into those other places
hoping a version of me lived the life I crave for somedays;
and that is what consumes me
the inability to pick a side in my own universe
to pick a nature of relationship that i can categorize you in
for I know I hate convention and social constructs
But its driving me crazy to not have one for you
I try not to get used to you, when it gets bad.
I try to not waste all my time with you.
I try not to rely on your warmth,
some days to avoid falling for you
and some days to avoid confusing
the white horses you ride on
as feelings that mean more
Its easier if friendship or love are one sided
but when this line is too,
that truly kills you
for how do you fix something, move on from something that
You don't even understand.
Maybe you're just meant to save me
and I'm meant to save you
Maybe I should just be okay with that
because this line is too fragile to shift from
One more string, One more time and we could break for good.
Yet, knowing this
why do I still feel the need to be so close to you
when you and I
should be lying down in the field
singing chasing cars
as only 'friends'