Past Lives

Have you enjoyed growing up? you ask

I always wondered about you

At some point who we used to be and everything we lived through together became memories

A past life

When I think of 14, I think of you

When I crave my sharp aggressive teenage authenticity, I think of you

When I recall that first heart break, the first misunderstood circumstance, I think of us

A decade has passed since we walked out those halls

With stolen glances, smiles, silent walks, secret notes and late night text messages

The first act of rebellion in our conservative brown homes

The dreams and ambitions we spoke of everyday, the false promises of seeing it all play out with each other

The smell of fresh juice being churned at the restaurant we stood in front of after-school, while we fought and talked through every last minute before our parents could notice 

The birthday cards, the rings, the chance encounter at crossword, the hours we spent loving Harry Potter 

I still remember each time I rolled my eyes at your arrogance when I didn't care for it

I still remember the first time we smiled at each other in the examination hall and how my stomach turned upside down

Both walking in late, scramming to find a spot for our bags and then rushing to our seats - you at the front row and I at the back

Something made me want to look at you again, and so were you

Time felt like it stood still and I involuntarily smiled at you for the very first time only to do it a million times over 

How that smile turned the axis of my little teenage life off centre for the next two years

The mind games, the hesitation, the proclamations, the courage

The late night dreams discussed like our little secret, the Christmas dances, the breaktime rendezvous 

The plays we wrote, the intercom calls we made the first chance we left the city far away from the rules of our families, 

The farewells we hosted 

Ahh the irony, that we never got a farewell of our own

I still remember the first time your arrogance affected my self worth

I still remember the last time we didn't steal any glances and walked away without goodbyes

I still remember the abandonment and grief as if it all happened just yesterday, when you pulled away overnight

I still remember checking my phone waiting to understand what went wrong

What had I done wrong? Was I not enough? Did I screw up? 

I'm not 14 anymore, but I carry that wounded 14 year old girl with me wherever I go

Sometimes I hate it and sometimes I wanna turn back time and be her

With the 14 year old I also carry the bright warm as the sun 13 year old who was drawn to you

It's strange how grief opens up a Pandora's box

Was I meant to meet you again? Is that why my dreams were haunted for the past few years? 

What would we look like had we stayed in touch?

In another universe did it play out differently?

We're softer now,  we're carrying a lot more pain now  

We were naive then, arrogant, angry and so easily careless 

When beneath all of those performative layers, existed a deep attachment and care

We're past 25 now - so brutally self aware

Have you enjoyed growing up? 

It doesn't matter because we still are

I thought memories don't change

you said memories carried negative reflections for you now

I wish last night changed that for you, I wish the fog of pain cast over our past lives can dissipate 

I wish as the fog dissipates, we remember the mountains and constellations as much as we remember the rain

memories can change, they can evolve

like we have, 

So far from 14 and yet so close